willpower, sweat, and tears
since returning to the US from Japan back in March, i haven't been on social media, YouTube, or this blog as much as i'd have liked. the international move itself aside, i've had my hands full juggling emotional / compassion fatigue...
ｈ／Ｈｉｓｔｏｒｙ.
i have never been a fan of History. from as early as elementary school, i learned that when people said "History" they really only meant theirs and not mine. by junior high school it was clear that my own history—that is, the history of people who are Black and American like me, in so far as U.S. History textbooks were concerned...
pen. ink. paper: journaling as self-care
occasionally i'll mention that i have a ridiculously poor memory. that i've pretty much always had memory problems and perhaps that's why even as a kid i took to writing in diaries...
Burnt Out & Neurotic: The Toll of Blogging While Ace and Mentally Ill
Over the course of the past few years or so, I've had no choice but to come face-to-face with the fact that I'm not exactly the spitting image of mental health. That, in fact, I never have been, having struggled with persistent depression and social anxiety for years, whether I was conscious of that fact or not. As such, debilitating depression/anxiety isn't new to me. Simultaneous burnout and mental breakdown on account of blogging was, however.
1978 Call Out Culture Is Fierce…! lmao
…so, I’ve been reading “The Bisexual Option”, originally published in 1978 by Fritz Klein, in order to write A Thing, when I came across this gem. Feeling personally Called Out by it (who knew 1978 call out culture was so fierce?!) and yet am also not– all at the same time. Either way, feeling the need to put my sardonic lulz here for my own future entertainment. Oh, and no. As interesting as it is at times, I don’t recommend reading the book yourself unless you’re prepared to metaphorically grit your teeth the whole way through. Consider this to be me having read it so that you don’t have to. 🙂 Willing to share my findings with those who are interested, but really I’m just reading the book to critique it zzz…
chronic long-term memory problems…
…is almost like living life like a computer with only a rudimentary, low capacity Hard Disk Drive dedicated to storing what you (might) need in the Here And Now or Imminent Future (short-term memories) and nothing but Random Access Memory for all the rest (long-term memories).
QAC 67 – 2 Months on HRT || Testosterone | Anemia | Non-Binary || The T Files #006
looking back over the past month, it feels like quite a bit has happened: minor voice changes, chest “deflation”, libido reincarnation and the beginnings of facial hair growth?! to name just a few. however, none of those things hold a candle to the unexpected health benefits that i’ve experienced since starting T as someone who is anemic. maybe staying on T long-term wouldn’t be such a bad idea after all…..? cue melodramatic music, but not really.
QAC 65 – 1 Month on Low Dose HRT | Non-Binary | Mental Health || The T Files #005
voice cracking? increased stamina? mood swings?? it’s been one month since i started a relatively low dosage of testosterone and even though in actuality not much has happened yet, i’m still surprised by what has. it’s been an interesting month, but as it turns out starting low-dose T isn’t as simple as simply choosing a random low dosage and going with the recommended injection frequency. or at least, not when you’re trying to manage depression and anxiety on top of it all and you’re not sure fluctuating hormone levels are a risk that you want to take. one month later, while still happy with my decision to start T, it’s time to take a moment to pause. recap. and reevaluate. …my video descriptions sound like the back of a poorly written novel abandoned on the shelf with the tabloids in the checkout aisle because someone decided last minute that it…
anxiety: haha– fuck you.
me: could you maybe NOT make me think about that thing anymore maybe MAYBE? anxiety: did you know that that thing that you THINK you don’t want to think about but are thinking about anyway is a legit thing that you OUGHT to be thinking about– because WHAT IF?? i mean, just think about it! that thing? IT’S A THING. THAT YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT. that thing. fuck.
just the one.
as someone who can count on one hand the number of people they’ve ever had intense feelings for over the course of 32 years of this thing called “Life” and still have fingers to spare, can i just say that this whole intense feelings thing is an adjustment? with a learning curve, apparently, because what little past experience i have feels like nothing in comparison, and yet has still managed to do nothing but hinder me in the present. might as well only count the one finger. yes. that finger. because fuck you, ghosts of relationships past that still haunt me to this day.
