anxiety: haha– fuck you.
me: could you maybe NOT make me think about that thing anymore maybe MAYBE? anxiety: did you know that that thing that you THINK you don’t want to think about but are thinking about anyway is a legit thing that you OUGHT to be thinking about– because WHAT IF?? i mean, just think about it! that thing? IT’S A THING. THAT YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT. that thing. fuck.
just the one.
as someone who can count on one hand the number of people they’ve ever had intense feelings for over the course of 32 years of this thing called “Life” and still have fingers to spare, can i just say that this whole intense feelings thing is an adjustment? with a learning curve, apparently, because what little past experience i have feels like nothing in comparison, and yet has still managed to do nothing but hinder me in the present. might as well only count the one finger. yes. that finger. because fuck you, ghosts of relationships past that still haunt me to this day.
impostor.
…it’s always disconcerting to be reminded of how people seem to have an impression of me as a person / my personality that doesn’t at all reflect who i am in reality.
Q&A: “You like photography!?…”
@citricsunshine said: You like photography!? 8D What do you like to take pictures of? (besides your cat of course, who is super cute!) thanks. 🙂 i usually take photos of: 📸 architecture 📸 nature 📸 cityscape 📸 patterns / shapes
gender feels; racial trauma.
as usual, i find myself turning to YouTube as a resource for information only to be reminded that…. YouTube is So Damn White. most things non-binary and / or trans are So Damn White. a search for “non-binary” and “testosterone” turns up almost nothing but skinny, short haired, white, non-binary people, none of whom i can really see myself in. which is nothing new. that’s part of the reason i’m on YouTube in the first place.
insert self-indulgence here.
damn right i’m gonna post selfies after having spent a day doing my hair and having just shot a YouTube video. lol why i gotta always look younger than i am, though… sigh.
conversation with Mr. Psychiatrist: その①
me: these meds sure have helped me regain control over my depression and anxiety. finally back to my depressed-anxious-and-angry-but-not-worryingly-so self! psychiatrist: that’s good– but what if– WHAT IF we up the dose a bit. at this rate, there’s a good chance you could go into remission! me: remission lolololol nah, i’m good, i think. pyschiatrist: but– BUT don’t you want to TRY? you could feel even better! me: even better lolololololol no antidepressant is going to make me better cuz no antidepressant is going to make this world less of a shitty place, but thanks anyway lololol
BLAQUEER: a self-care attempt
January 1st, 2017: an attempt at being more “active” about my own well-being à la microblogging finally gets off the ground. i’ve been thinking about making something like this for myself for a while, but have always dragged my feet about it. BLAQUEER will be devoted to any and everything that i find helpful for myself personally re: navigating queerness, mental health and self-care as a black person. at the moment, i envision that as including, but not being limited to: photos, artwork, etc of queer black people existing: because goddamnit, be it on Tumblr or out in the world at large, i never see that without actively search for it. i want a place where i can see people like me existing without having to hunt for it each time. i also want to curate what i see because i’m tired of wading through hypersexualization / hypermasculinzation when i do hunt…
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#2016BestNine: Last Minute Selfie Positivity
with only one day left in 2016, it’s time for the annual end-of-the-year stuff zzz… having had memory issues for forever, i’ve been journaling / archiving / etc stuff online since, well… 2002 when i created my livejournal account, i guess. New Year’s specific stuff started in 2007 with a questionnaire-type meme that i have done every year since to recap the outgoing year, followed years later by a year-end “photo dump” to summarize a year’s worth of photos in one place. this post is a more recent tradition courtesy of Instagram, but i don’t want to post this on IG, so here we are! again. while i feel like 2016 hasn’t been a overly bad year for me personally, i also feel like the past two months have been such that they overshadow whatever else i am able to recall of 2016… sigh. it’s nice to have photographic proof that…
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one of many reasons why “QUEER” means so much to me.
[ CAPTION: a long, white image with “QUEER” faded in rainbow gradient in the background behind text written using various fonts in various sizes, colors and line-weight reading “sometimes identity is a journey. so far mine has gone something like this – queerascat.tumblr.com HOLY SHIT, i’m BISEXU– wait, no, i’m PANSEXUAL! oh, but demisexuality? i’m DEMI-PANSEXUAL! but wait, what if i’m a LESBIAN??? no, WAIT! i’m NOT EVEN FEMALE!!! (no shit sherlock! plus you like who you like of any gender!) oh god, not even demi, TOTALLY ACE after all… shiiiiittt… panromantic ace! biromantic ace? PANro and BIro ACE! lolol wtf was i ever even thinking??? OF COURSE i’m a BI (sans ‘romantic’) & PAN (sans ‘romantic’) ACE. but grayro? quoiro? BI-PAN-GRAY-QUOIRO?? ugh, what the fuck ever. i’ll use whichever word(s) whenever it feels right to do so, but QUEER is the one word that has ALWAYS felt right. – Vesper 09/23/2016…
