QAC 75 – Questioning In Silence?: Identity | Self-Discovery | Stigma || Random Thoughts
this may be a gross over-generalization on my part, but generally speaking, there is a lot of silence when it comes to talking about questioning one’s identity, changing it or anything else that others could misunderstand or misconstrue as you having “gotten [something] wrong” in regards to yourself. such pressure /stigma/shame can stifle open discussion of introspection, self-discovery and, well… to be honest,
i’mrather annoyed with myself for having shied away from talking more about my history of/experience with questioning and changes in identity,but am also determined to change that this year.
this video is me spilling some random thoughts on the topic ahead of delving into my actual experiences/feels/etc in future videos [ …]
a heartfelt ‘thanks’ to everyone who has already responded kindly to the video on YouTube. hopefully i will be able to hold myself to my word and talk more about questioning and experiences with identity in the future. <3
Nico Adler-Pollock (@imissmypets)
I’m really happy you made this video because I’ve been questioning for the past two years and I have been and still am super uncomfortable talking about it. I identified as aro-ace from ages 14-20, and a lot of people in my life (mostly adults) told me that it would be a phase, or that it would change when I ‘met someone’. Now that I’m 22 and questioning romantic attraction to girls I hate feeling like I might be proving some of those people right. It also doesn’t help that I started getting crushes a few months after I started antidepressants. I feel like my story could easily be used to invalidate aromantic identities and I don’t want that.
i can relate to not wanting to prove naysayers right sooo much. i can’t believe i forgot to mention that reason for being uncomfortable discussing change… it’s definitely something that affects me personally, despite trying to overlook it or brush it off.
and then there’s depression. antidepressants and all of the other things about you (general ‘you’) that could be weaponized against you and others…
it’s definitely a lot to deal with, especially on one’s own. i hope that people talking more about it will help alleviate some of the discomfort that exists for others. best wishes!
Late reply, but here goes nothing…
I call myself quoigender but am ultra-secretive about it in a large part because of the stigma you mentioned. Questioning is treated implicitly transitional before you settle on a “real/permanent” identity and often treated with a level of suspicion (the looming sense that others wait with anticipation to kick you to the curb if you settle on the “wrong” identity). I can’t relate to gender as anything other than this thing that everyone expects me to have even though gender makes no internal sense (I feel like I live in a world where everyone insists that the Emperor has clothes, but no one can tell me what those clothes look like), so I can’t relate to trans or NB people (who are by necessity invested in the has-gender camp). Further, I can’t talk about being quoigender without fear of condemnation for contradicting community narratives. I’m stuck in a position of having the angst and uncertainty of questioning without the benefit of the pay-off, calling myself quoigender is more about throwing in the proverbial towel than anything, and being saddled with the unspoken stigma of being ~potentially one of the enemy~.
So it sucks all around.
i relate to this a lot. more so in regards to feelings regarding attraction and/or “romance” than gender, but the way that you’ve described it here is the same.
it really does suck all around… wishing you all the best.