in 2015, i wrote a random, word vomit of a post about being “WhenTheStarsAlignHyperRo[mantic]” while offhandedly reflecting back on what little ‘data’ i had to work off of in trying to figure out my own experience of romantic attraction (or lack thereof). it was the first second (in so far as i remember) time i had questioned not being (allo)romantic outside of my head (& journal) while shrugging off identifying as being on the aromantic spectrum.
i’ve said this before on Tumblr, but it’s time to make it “official” on YouTube: i don’t identify as biromantic or panromantic anymore. in fact, i don’t identify as “-romantic” anything anymore. after years of quietly questioning my experience of so-called “romantic” attraction, all the while trying to navigate spaces which obviously didn’t have someone like me– someone who neither felt comfortable being assumed “[allo]romantic” nor “aromantic”– in mind, i finally opted to discard romantic orientations (for myself) all together. rather, i identify as a bi ace. as a pan ace. although if i’m being honest, more often than not as a queer ace or more simply as “queer”. but what exactly is the difference between “biromantic ace” and “bi ace”? after over a year of having identified as the latter, it seems to me that thanks to amatonormativity and the general normalization of romantic orientations in ace communities, people don’t see…
anonymous asked: May I ask you a question? For a long time, I thought that my feelings for a certain someone was platonic, but after reading up some things you wrote (mainly, “romantic = wanting to be as close as possible physically”), I suddenly feel uncertain. I don’t know if I’m having a crush or a squish. The bottom line is that there is this person I’m fond to be with, and want to help out 24/7. I don’t want to be in a relationship with him but tbh I’ll take anything I can. What do you think? hi, anon. sorry for taking so long to respond to your ask. you’re more than welcome to ask me a question, although i may not have an answer for you. before i respond with my thoughts regarding your situation, i feel the need to express confusion at having ever said what you’ve…
anonymous said: Hi, I’ve recently been questioning my romantic orientation. Mainly because I don’t really care what someone’s gender is… Like as long as you’re not a jerk I’m okay with you. For some reason I just don’t know if I’m actually Asexual Heteroromantic, like it’s typically the male gender that I want to have a romantic relationship with but I’ve felt that way about girls? What am I?! (Also I recently discovered your blog and I thinks it’s awesome.) hello and thanks for following. 🙂 i’m afraid that i can’t tell you what you are. after all, there’s no way that i could know more about you than you know about yourself. that said, if you feel like you might be attracted to people of more than one gender (or any gender) then perhaps you are…? trust in your own feelings, but also keep in mind that it’s perfectly fine…
Kat said: Im 17 and Idk who im romantically attracted to I see girls & guys as cute & I haven’t dated before & don’t care but in the future I would like a partner regardless of gender but wat am i? Ik im ace but like idk if I’m aro or something pls help:) -Kat hi Kat, i’m afraid i can’t actually tell you something about yourself that even you yourself do not know, but i will say this. it sounds like something that you do know about yourself is that you’re ace and that you’d like a partner regardless of gender in the future. that’s actually a lot to know about yourself! 🙂 while it’s obvious that you’d like to know more than that, i hope that at least knowing that much about yourself can be of some comfort or encouragement to you. it’s natural to be curious…
anonymous said: So I think that I’m aromantic? Because like in all my 20 years of living I’ve never ever had any kind of crush or romantic feelings at all. The thing is, the idea of being in a romantic relationship sounds really nice to me. Is it possible to be aro but want to be in a romantic relationship? Like although I don’t get any kind of desire in regards to romance I still kinda want a relationship… I’m so confused it most certainly is possible to be aromantic and to want to be in a romantic relationship. while it is true that some aro people do not want to be in a romantic relationship, being aromantic is still by no means synonymous with not wanting to be in a romantic relationship. in my humble opinion, being aromantic in and of itself says nothing about the types of relationships…
anonymous said: You asked for help concerning the 2 anons in the same situation. It seems to me they separate love life and sex life. Feelings, love, romance on one side separate from sex on the other side. Sexual desire or romantic love for one person but never both for the same person. Sex and romance seem incompatible. Sadly I can’t think of one and only term that includes the 2 parts of this orientation. (re: these posts) i have no way of actually knowing whether or not the two anons are referring to the exact same thing, but… i feel like saying “they separate love life and sex life” is oversimplifying things and kind of suggests that it’s something that they decidedly do rather than just being how they experience things, even though i know you probably didn’t mean to imply that. i do get what you (and the other…
anonymous said: I saw your answer about fraysexuality. I don’t know if I can be helpful but maybe that anon was talking about nonsexual love mixed with nonromantic sex. This is how I feel myself but I could not find a word mixing my sexuality and my romantic attraction. And I would love to find this word. The definition of fraysexual doesn’t describe how I feel. (re: this post) i very well could have misunderstood the anon in that ask. perhaps they, like you, feel like fraysexual isn’t the word they’re looking for. nonsexual love mixed with nonromantic sex… i’m afraid that i’m drawing a blank when it comes to thinking of a word that encompasses all of that. which isn’t to say that such a word doesn’t exist, i just don’t know of it or am unable to think of it at the moment. can anyone else help anon…
anonymous said: I have a question. I saw your post about how you find it a but annoying that people either assume you’re bisexual or bi romantic, when you always just say bi. And I’ll admit that since you are also asexual my first reaction was to assume you were biromantic, I’m sorry. But it confuses me a little. Would you mind explaining how you feel in regards to your bi identity? It’s okay if you don’t want to! I’m just trying to understand (in response to this post) first off, even though i felt a need to vent about it because it is annoying, i want to point out that i’m not offended or angry when someone misreads my bi identity, especially if they’re understanding when/if i correct them. there are so many reasons why a person would automatically read “bi” as either bisexual or biromantic that it almost…
anonymous said: I get your point about the types of attraction being connected in a web, not a scalar. Could you help me by defining those types of attraction? For example, I know sexual attraction is a desire to have sexual contact, and aesthetic attraction is about appearance. I’m less clear on the others, which are often defined via tautology. (“Romantic attraction is desire to have a romantic relationship.” Ok, then what’s a romantic relationship?) Can you help clear this up? Thanks! (re: this post, however i’m going to update that post to include definitions) it’s true, definitions can sometimes be circular and thus unhelpful/difficult to understand. often because the thing being defined is difficult to define, obviously. i guess i’ll give writing simplistic definitions a shot… i’ve done it before, but never all laid out at once like this. this is quite the task!
