me: could you maybe NOT make me think about that thing anymore maybe MAYBE? anxiety: did you know that that thing that you THINK you don’t want to think about but are thinking about anyway is a legit thing that you OUGHT to be thinking about– because WHAT IF?? i mean, just think about it! that thing? IT’S A THING. THAT YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT. that thing. fuck.
as someone who can count on one hand the number of people they’ve ever had intense feelings for over the course of 32 years of this thing called “Life” and still have fingers to spare, can i just say that this whole intense feelings thing is an adjustment? with a learning curve, apparently, because what little past experience i have feels like nothing in comparison, and yet has still managed to do nothing but hinder me in the present. might as well only count the one finger. yes. that finger. because fuck you, ghosts of relationships past that still haunt me to this day.
that feel when you finally have a use for relationship terminology, but none of it makes sense to you because all of it is predicated on the assumption that you subscribe to the dichotomy of “romantic” vs “[queer]platonic”– not to even mention the equally taxing concept that is “alterous”.
…it’s always disconcerting to be reminded of how people seem to have an impression of me as a person / my personality that doesn’t at all reflect who i am in reality.
posted with the permission of a friend, the above gem is but one of many examples of antiblack racism, transphobia and binarism that my friend is subjected to regularly on Grindr in Osaka and Tokyo. sharing it here as i often hear of this kind of thing happening on Grindr in English speaking countries, but see little about it beyond that. antiblackness is not unique to America or other English speaking countries, it is universal. and least there be any false assumptions made based on the above example being in English, my friend receives similar messages from non-English speakers in Japanese and has also received such messages during their time living in South Korea. this is Old News that is apparently Breaking News to some, but rest assured it most certainly is not Fake News.
as usual, i find myself turning to YouTube as a resource for information only to be reminded that…. YouTube is So Damn White. most things non-binary and / or trans are So Damn White. a search for “non-binary” and “testosterone” turns up almost nothing but skinny, short haired, white, non-binary people, none of whom i can really see myself in. which is nothing new. that’s part of the reason i’m on YouTube in the first place. beyond that, a bigger problem that i find myself faced with is that the very image / concept of “androgyny” or stereotypical “non-binary appearance” is inherently linked to whiteness. i want people to pause before they misgender me (seeing as how they will inevitably misgender me regardless) and the best way to bring about that is, presumably, androgynous appearance. however, androgyny feels unobtainable to me as a black person, because no matter what i…
as usual, i find myself turning to YouTube as a resource for information only to be reminded that…. YouTube is So Damn White. most things non-binary and / or trans are So Damn White. a search for “non-binary” and “testosterone” turns up almost nothing but skinny, short haired, white, non-binary people, none of whom i can really see myself in. which is nothing new. that’s part of the reason i’m on YouTube in the first place.
thank you @gc2b-apparel for the awesome sale! and thank you to BetterHelp.com, who sponsored this video about online therapy. most of all, a huge THANK YOU to everyone who watched it and to those who went a step further and even gave BetterHelp a try, you are The Awesomest Awesome to ever Awesome. i want you all to know that it’s entirely thanks to you that i can even afford these new binders at all. after nearly 4 years of wearing the same binders, which don’t even really bind at all anymore– which in turn has caused me many “ffffff– gotta layer! ffffff– layering does nothing– FFFFF” days– it’s more than about time that i get new ones. upcoming binder review once they make it to Japan and i’ve had time to try them out? probably. perhaps what i’m looking forward to the most is seeing how Nude No. 2 looks against my skin…
…..annnd look what i randomly* stumbled across at the bookstore tonight. Ash Hardell’s “The ABC’s of LGBT+” in Japanese! even Amazon Japan doesn’t seem to have it yet, but somehow Kinokuniya has it? which makes absolutely no sense, but hey! not complaining. it’s a complete translation of Ash Hardell’s book, including a lot of ace and non-binary terminology such as aceflex, quoiromantic, genderfluid and maverique transliterated phonetically into Japanese approximates.** even the [English] pronouns section is translated into Japanese, which i kinda have feelings about as to how helpful that and / or phonetic translations will be for Japanese people who will be approaching this book from a cultural and linguistic context that is not the same as that of a native English / germanic or romance language speaker. that said, at a glance, there does seem to be added explaination of English grammar to help non-English speakers better understand gender…
