today was another one of those days.
after showering i looked in the mirror. why did i do that?? i knew what i’d see and how it’d make me feel.
then i spent 2.5 hours doing my hair, only to have to fight the urge to cut it once i was done. again. i love my hair and yet i don’t. no one would dare try to talk me out of cutting it once i told them how it’s so heavy that it gives me headaches when i wear it in a pony tail to keep it out of the way for a prolonged period of time, or how it hurts my neck while washing it because it becomes so heavy with water; how i go through so much product that is expensive to import and how it takes 10hrs to fully dry, which sucks all kinds of hell in winter. i needn’t even mention dysphoria at all– surely explaining that other stuff would shut them up before it got to that.
so why don’t i just cut it already? at least shorter?
because it’s hard to cut away something that’s been with you for 7 years. that you’ve put 7 years of care into. and besides, i can’t even remember what i look like without locs anymore… it’s scary. i have to look at old photos just to remember what i look like with different hair and even then it’s hard to envision myself any other way. what would i do with my hair if/when i cut it? and then there’s the fact that literally no one in my life right now has seen me with any other hairstyle, either. the reactions i’d get, especially here in Japan…
eh… maybe come summer when it’s hot and humid as fuck and my hair becomes even more of a burden i’ll get up the courage to at least cut it shorter. not sure that will do anything for my dysphoria, though… sigh.