[Random] Thoughts,  Mental [Un]health

…therapy smerapy!

so lately i’ve been thinking about therapy. part of me thinks that it might be a good idea. another part of me is convinced that it’s a pointless waste of money when i need to be saving money, plus i don’t /need/ therapy anyway, so why bother?

i can’t seem to come to any decision. meh.

why am i thinking about therapy in the first place? it’s not even like i need it, right? so i keep telling myself. everyone gets depressed sometimes. and it’s not like talking to someone is going to help anything. even the very idea of paying to talk to someone (when i don’t need a “professional’s” commentary anyway, right?!) seems laughable to me. and gender stuff? seriously, what’s the point in talking to a therapist about that as a non-binary person who isn’t even in a position to pursue transition anyway? with a gender as unconventional as mine, i really would rather not have to explain it/myself to some “professional” who probably wont get it anyway.

besides, i’m coping with all these things well enough on my own. i haven’t self-destructed yet.

then again, being consistently depressed for over 10 years can’t be the same depression that everyone has from time to time, right…? sure, there have been times during those 10 years when i was happy. it’s not like i’m depressed every day or even every week, but…. meh. it seems like more often than not i’m either depressed or fighting off depression. and those random sob sessions that i have when even i don’t know why i’m crying can’t be normal, either?

but again, what the hell is paying to talk to someone going to do about all that? especially when i have no intention of dealing with my emotional problems through medication.

fucking pills. i don’t want chemicals messing with my emotions.

siiiigh, but at the same time, i’m tired of feeling so apathetic all the time and having to push myself so hard just to get up and do the things that i enjoy. also, i need to adopt better coping mechanisms because constantly repressing, ignoring and trivializing things has obviously taken a toll on my mental state over the years…

….but paying lots of money just to talk to some person??

eh, i feel like my hands are tied. i am highly skeptical of therapists and their worth, especially when it comes to me. i can keep on managing on my own and put my money to better use, right….? or at least, hold off on funneling money into therapy until i’m in a position to take advantage of the diagnosis that i’ll need to pursue gender-related things.

sigh sigh.

tomorrow’s the start of another week. time to vegetate a bit more before i have to put on my Genki Face again.

YouTuber and Blogger, Vesper is an American expat currently living in Japan.

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