so i finally got to see Black Panther again ( #WAKANDAFOREVER AHHHHHH–) and am now at a Starbucks basking in the afterglow of the movie, about to attempt to herd my thoughts into a more coherent cacophony of words than exists in my head at present. wish me luck.
blaqueer: blaqueer: blaqueer: blaqueer: content warning: TMI regarding bodily functions & genitals week 1 (62.5mg /2 weeks, injection) exacerbated drowsiness like what oncoming-cold-like throat shenanigans voice in my head sounding like it does when i first wake up, except all day long random, awkward voice cracking when trying to talk over obnoxious teenagers random, inexplicable genital feels random, pre-menstruation-like feels from that arrogant thing called a uterus stairs suddenly became a little less formidable after the injection, but not for all that long. my bladder suddenly isn’t what it used to be– why??? week 2 bladder weirdness is still a thing throat shenanigans are no longer a thing voice cracking still is a thing marginally lower-than-normal speaking voice more easily maintainable; however, without conscious effort, speaking voice remains unchanged downstairs growth hardly noticeable but there began wondering early on into week 2 if all of the T had already been…
me: could you maybe NOT make me think about that thing anymore maybe MAYBE? anxiety: did you know that that thing that you THINK you don’t want to think about but are thinking about anyway is a legit thing that you OUGHT to be thinking about– because WHAT IF?? i mean, just think about it! that thing? IT’S A THING. THAT YOU ARE STILL THINKING ABOUT. that thing. fuck.
as someone who can count on one hand the number of people they’ve ever had intense feelings for over the course of 32 years of this thing called “Life” and still have fingers to spare, can i just say that this whole intense feelings thing is an adjustment? with a learning curve, apparently, because what little past experience i have feels like nothing in comparison, and yet has still managed to do nothing but hinder me in the present. might as well only count the one finger. yes. that finger. because fuck you, ghosts of relationships past that still haunt me to this day.
that feel when you finally have a use for relationship terminology, but none of it makes sense to you because all of it is predicated on the assumption that you subscribe to the dichotomy of “romantic” vs “[queer]platonic”– not to even mention the equally taxing concept that is “alterous”.
…it’s always disconcerting to be reminded of how people seem to have an impression of me as a person / my personality that doesn’t at all reflect who i am in reality.
queernigga: since conversation about blackface in japan is springing up again and summa y’all want to act brand new as if this is isolated and never happens let’s talk about the original mascot of Calpis, used from the 1920s until the fucking 1980s. Lemme also link one of my old videos about an experience with blackface drag in 新宿二丁目。 literally walked past a vintage ad for Calpis with this character on it yesterday at an antiques store in Kamakura; that was my first encounter with Calpis’ history with this character. can’t say i was surprised, but definitely disappointed. to this day, not only blackface but also redface and yellowface (re: depictions of people of other asian ethnic groups) is still very much alive and well in Japan– especially in the 芸能界 / entertainment industry. and without fail, every time something like this happens– if it even makes it into the…
as usual, i find myself turning to YouTube as a resource for information only to be reminded that…. YouTube is So Damn White. most things non-binary and / or trans are So Damn White. a search for “non-binary” and “testosterone” turns up almost nothing but skinny, short haired, white, non-binary people, none of whom i can really see myself in. which is nothing new. that’s part of the reason i’m on YouTube in the first place. beyond that, a bigger problem that i find myself faced with is that the very image / concept of “androgyny” or stereotypical “non-binary appearance” is inherently linked to whiteness. i want people to pause before they misgender me (seeing as how they will inevitably misgender me regardless) and the best way to bring about that is, presumably, androgynous appearance. however, androgyny feels unobtainable to me as a black person, because no matter what i…
as usual, i find myself turning to YouTube as a resource for information only to be reminded that…. YouTube is So Damn White. most things non-binary and / or trans are So Damn White. a search for “non-binary” and “testosterone” turns up almost nothing but skinny, short haired, white, non-binary people, none of whom i can really see myself in. which is nothing new. that’s part of the reason i’m on YouTube in the first place.
the more i question whether i was ever actually attracted to men at all– and if so, in what way?– the more i realize that knowing the answers to such questions isn’t particularly pertinent seeing as how i can’t see myself ever choosing to be in an intimate relationship with a man again anyway. still identify as bi and pan (more so bi these days than pan for reasons not entirely related), but my personal definitions of and relationship with these identities has changed, continues to change and will continue to change over the years. and yet my relationship with and identity as queer continues to be the truest and dearest to me of all.
