thanks everyone for the kind, supportive replies to the above post. it means a lot. <3
as a sort of update… i ended up emailing him (because calling would have been too awkward) and finally, after tap dancing around the issue by joking about him spying on me, we had one of those extremely-rare-between-us conversations about something serious. my dad, a man of relatively few words, caught me totally by surprise.
me: i saw you followed me on Twitter using a newer account than the old one that had been following me. trying to get back into Twitter?
dad: No I just signed back in to the account. Just never looked at it much. That’s all. Is that why you thought I was spying on you?
me: ….i was joking but yes. 😛
dad: No I’m not spying sweetheart. And you’re old enough to feel how you want. I’ll always be here to support you no matter what. You understand?
me: ….well, that was unexpected. thank you. although ‘feeling how i want’ has nothing to do with anything. i simply am who i am.
dad: Which is what I meant. I’m not your mother I think differently
me: i know you’re different from mom and i appreciate that.
dad: So sweetheart I’m not spying on you. I’m your dad and I’ll always want your best interest at heart. No matter what
me: …i appreciate that. thank you.
…….totally didn’t go how i expected it to go. he’s trying to be supportive, which i never imagined he would be. i’m happy, but at the same time i can’t help but not be as happy as i’d like to be about it. it seems like he hasn’t found my YouTube channel yet. he’s seen the words “non-binary, queer asexual” on my Twitter, but i have no way of knowing how much he actually knows or even understands. i do know for a fact, though, that he still doesn’t know that i intend to legally change my name, pursue surgeries in the future or anything else like that and based on my experience with my mom, that kind of thing especially tends to be something that will make even parents who want to support you because you’re their child still struggle even more to do so. he could vary well start singing an entirely different tune tomorrow if he found out those things…….
………so yeah, i’ll take what guarded happiness i feel for now, but who knows how long it’ll last. sigh! sigh.
…………..also, he has always called me “sweetheart” and you have no fucking idea how much i’ve always HHHHAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAATTEEED it whenever anyone refers to me that way, including him, but i’ve never had the heart or courage to ask him to stop because i know that it’s just how he talks but ugh ugh ugh UGH. screaming.