sex indifference & aversion: not a matter of one or the other but both?
the following is a random blurb of thoughts after seeing this post.
warning: negativity, sex talk || disclaimer: the negativity is aimed only at myself
i’ve had issues supporting or even signal boosting anything that talks explicitly about “sex indifference” because of my own personal qualms with the term and how i see people describe what it means to be indifferent to sex. the way it’s described or defined varies greatly from person to person, but almost always there’s some sort of ‘but wouldn’t necessarily be opposed to the idea of having it’ tacked onto the rest and that bothers me. a lot. i used to casually refer to myself as sex indifferent, but now i can’t help but want to distance myself from the term as far as possible. but at the same time, i have no desire to take on the label of “sex averse” either.
i think that at least part of my issue(s) with the whole “sex indifferent” vs “sex averse” thing is that for me it’s not a clear-cut one or the other; it’s a mix of the two.
when it comes to the act of sex itself, i’m indifferent. i couldn’t care less about sex and i am not repulsed by the idea of me having it, it’s just boring and awkward as hell so why would i want to? there are much more enjoyable and just as ‘intimate’ things i’d rather be doing with a partner.
however, when it comes to the repercussions of having sex with someone i am averse to that. very averse to that.
while i personally never desire to have sex to begin with, due to past experiences i have grown to dread and actively avoid having sex because of the performance i feel required to put on for my partner during it. because of the emotional toll that any faltering in that performance will inevitably have on my partner. i’ve learned the hard way that consent alone is not enough; that any inkling of knowledge that i’m not enjoying it like they are can and will destroy everything for them. and even if they understand that it has nothing to do with them, that you simply aren’t attracted to anyone in that way and that sex to you is just a thing that (some) people do, that knowledge still eats away at them inside because of what society has taught them that that should mean for their self-esteem and self-worth. even if they say it’s ok and they truly try their damnedest to make it be ok, it’s not. the emotional damage is done and i, along with society, had a hand in it.
….and the knowledge that i have anything to do with that pain, with that damage is in and of itself damaging and painful to me.
it’s a vicious cycle that i want no part in ever again.
i want to be clear that these are just my own experiences. i know that there are lots of aces out their in relationships with an allosexual person/people, be those relationships sexual or not, and i do not mean to sound like i’m condemning all such relationships to failure. i’m not. this is just me musing that in my past relationships, sex has been… dare i say toxic. and so now i am averse to the thought of ever being involved in a relationship involving sex again.
actually, not only that, past relationships have left me with such negativity and insecurity as to be skeptical of ever being in a successful relationship again, sexual or not.
yay, relationship aversion!
yay, not fitting neatly into a box yet again!
*shuts up now*