Q&A: “[mom’s] been telling me is that if I really am trans, I would’ve known since I was little.”
I came out to my mom yesterday as trans, and I kind of regret it. all she’s been telling me is that if I really am trans, I would’ve known since I was little. she’s telling me it’s probably just a phase and that I need to talk to someone. she seems really set on it, as if it’s just a problem to be solved. she told me I’m probably having an identity crisis. I don’t know what to do anymore, and I feel invalid. was I really supposed to know from a young age?
it very much sounds like your mom is currently struggling with denial and grief, which is really common when a child comes out to their parent(s). she’s basically projecting her own feelings onto you, desperately hoping that she’s right. she’s telling you the same things she’s telling herself in an attempt to cope with the new information that you’ve given her and make herself feel better, meanwhile inadvertently making you feel like shit.
don’t let what she says get to you. actually, try telling her point blank that what she’s saying is not at all supportive– because she might actually think herself to be helping you– and that what she’s saying is in fact extremely hurtful. that you wouldn’t have entrusted her with this extremely personal information about yourself if you’d known that she’d betray your trust like this. hopefully that helps bring her around to her senses.
re: is a trans person “supposed to” know from a young age, the answer is a resounding no. there is no “supposed to” when it comes to being trans or anything else. no one needs to fit the trans narrative that is shown so often in the media where trans people know that they’re “trapped in the wrong body” or other such things from a young age. many trans people do NOT fit that narrative, but sadly the whole age thing is still commonly used by parents against their trans child(ren) when they come out. this is wrong. they are wrong. your mom is wrong. confidently tell her that she is, because she really, really is.
stay strong, anon! your mom is going through a rough time right now and thus is making things hard on you, but she’ll come around. try not to give up on her, but at the same time shield yourself from the stuff that she’ll inevitably throw your way in the meantime.