[A]sexuality,  Q&A,  Queer[ness]

Q&A: “I think I may be asexual. I romanticize the idea of being with a male partner later, but then I’m a maladaptive dreamer…”

anonymous said:

So I have a question. I think I may be asexual. I romanticize the idea of being with a male partner later, but then I’m a maladaptive dreamer. I have issues with trusting people, men specifically. I don’t have any sexual attraction to men, I occasionally get crushes, which are romantic in nature, but never sexual. I do masturbate, but more like a release than actual arousal, Infact I don’t even get aroused that much. Couple moths back I kissed a guy on impulse and it disgusted me. Please help.

[ cw: masturbation, arousal mentions ]

hello, anon.

sorry for taking so long to respond to your ask. i don’t know how much help i’ll be as i can’t tell you whether you’re asexual or not (that’s something you’ll ultimately have to decide for yourself), but…

someone asked me how to know whether they’re ace or not awhile back and i feel like everything that i said then is also relevant now, so you may be interested in checking out that post before reading the rest of this one.

in addition to what i said in the linked post above, not only are feelings regarding kissing not particularly indicative of being asexual, neither is masturbation, dreams / fantasies or arousal, in my humble opinion.

regardless of romantic feelings that you may (or may not) have and who you have (or don’t have) them towards, regardless of whether you masturbate or experience arousal and how you feel about it, regardless of how disgusting kissing may (or may) not be for you, if you think that you may be asexual, perhaps you are?

there’s no harm is identifying as asexual, even if only temporarily, to see how doing so makes you feel. you don’t have to be 100% certain about being asexual to identify as asexual. you don’t even have to be 50% certain of it. if you feel like asexual may describe you but you’re uncertain about whether it does or not, it may be helpful to try identifying as it, check out some ace spaces, read some ace writing, etc and see whether you feel comfortable or not describing yourself as asexual.

at the same time, you don’t even have to identify as asexual to do any of the above things. it’s okay to not be sure and to not be comfortable referring to yourself as anything until you are sure. you can still check out ace spaces, things that aces have written, etc and see how it makes you feel. questioning what your sexuality is can be anxiety inducing and even stressful, but know that it’s okay not to know and it’s okay to take your time figuring it out– if you even feel the need to figure anything out at all.

the experiences and feelings that aces have are as diverse as the people experiencing them. i have no doubt that there are aces out there who would read what you’ve written here and feel like you’ve also described them. at the same time, i also have no doubt that there are people who don’t identify as ace who would also find themself identifying with what you’ve said here.

ultimately, whether you’re ace or not comes down to what “asexual” means to you, not anyone else; what relationship (if any) you feel you personally have with that word. i know that saying this is probably the least helpful thing ever, but i encourage you to look within yourself for the answer. just know that whether you find an answer or not, you’re more than welcome to use the word “asexual” if it feels comfortable for you to do so.

best wishes~

YouTuber and Blogger, Vesper is an American expat currently living in Japan.

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