my friend’s best friend recently came out as trans and my friend only refers to them as their preferred name. there’s nothing wrong with that, except i told the same friend my preferred name a year ago and she rarely uses it, even when it’s just us. we’ve talked about it, but she still continues to use my birth name around me. i’m not really sure what to do, since we’ve already talked about it, but it makes me feel invalid whenever she does that. if you have any advice, i’d appreciate it
wow, what an incredibly shitty thing to do. :/
this isn’t actual advice so much as it just being what i personally might do in such a situation, but…. i imagine that i’d handle this in much the same way i would someone who insists on misgendering me. that is, i’d stop responding to the wrong name all together or if i do respond, i’d respond in a very pointed, persistent and even flippant way to reassert my actual name.
person: *walks up to you* hi, Name. what are you doing?
me: *doesn’t look up from what i’m doing*
me: sorry, didn’t realize there was a Name here.
me: *walking by*
person: hey, Name! what’s up?
me: *walks past without missing a step*
person: *talking to someone else about me* yeah, Name gave this to me.
me: yeah, Real Name did give you that, didn’t they?
person: *talking to someone else* Name & i are going to the mall. wanna come?
me: yeah, Random Name and i are going to the mall. you’re welcome to join us.
person: you know, you can cut it out with the wrong names already.
me: i don’t know, Random Name, can i? can you??
etc etc. some people don’t like this approach for various reasons and it can be hard to do because quick responses require quick thinking on your part, but i’ve found that the longer the misnaming / misgendering continues the more correcting the person becomes a reflexive habit that requires less effort or thought on my part. similarly, if the person being corrected does start putting some effort into using the right name, catching and correcting themself can also become reflexive. or at least, that’s the game that my mom and i play:
mom: *talking to my sister* did you tell Cr–
mom: –i mean Vesper about the thing?
aside from sitting your friend down and talking to her again (which you could certainly also do and may be worth doing either way), i think being firm with her and standing your ground when it comes to your name can help. know that your feelings about being referred to by the wrong name are valid and that you asking telling your friend to use a certain name and expecting them to make an effort to do so is also totally valid. it’s not asking too much to ask your friend to refer to you by your actual name. while it’s understandable that they would make mistakes and slip up at times, not making any effort and / or making excuses about it is not.
i really do hope your friend stops being an ass, anon. wishing all the best!