not sure where to start with this post… i can’t backtrack enough to even possibly cover all the things that lead up to where i’m at now.
so i’ve been “out” to my mom as a non-binary, pan/biromantic asexual for a year and a half now. a few weeks ago i made a vlog about it, talking about… well, how mom has made very little-to-no progress in regards to accepting or understanding who i am and how much that hurts. i won’t go into details because the details can be found in the vlog.
shortly after making that vlog (as in literally days later) a belated birthday card from mom came in the mail. i made this post about it, which you should read for the sake of context.
after receiving that response from mom, i muted notifications from her and haven’t spoken to her since.
literally since before this happened, but even more so directly after this happened, i have had trouble sleeping. i’m anxious / depressed / angry to the point of losing my appetite, having stomachaches and bursting into tears randomly. i can’t keep dealing with this shit from her.
someone on YouTube commented on my last vlog saying that my mom reminded them of their parent who is a narcissist. as in having narcissistic personality disorder rather than in the ableist way that people use the word “narcissist”. that person asked if i’d even thought that my mom might be one. i said no, saying that while mom has a parent’s Superiority Complex and has narcissistic tendencies, she isn’t a narcissist. but now…………
since muting her notifications, i’ve (begrudgingly) seen that she’s sent various messages to me.
Wednesday, June 24, 2015 2:34 PM
Mom: One day you will realize that gender isn’t that important. On your job, do you want to be the best woman, the best man or the best whatever gender that you say that you are or do you want to be known as the best person. We all want to be recognized as a person, our accomplishments as a person. Not according to our gender. It is not the most important thing.
Sunday, June 28, 2015 2:22 PM
Mom: Are you going to call tonight?
Wednesday, July 1, 2015 3:36 PM
Mom: There will come a day when you will wish that you could talk to me but you won’t be able to.
Thursday, July 9, 2015 1:39 PM
Mom: Although you choose to ignore me and act as if I don’t exist, I miss you and still love you! – Mom
she hasn’t apologized. she hasn’t so much as acknowledged that she hurt me with what she said. she’s continued to belittle and invalidate my feelings, acting as if she has ANY idea about what i’m going through. she continues to try to tell me how i should or shouldn’t feel, tries to GUILT TRIP ME into contacting her because she won’t always be around– as if i’m not well aware of the fact that she won’t always be around– and then tries to act as if she’s taking the high road in still loving me even though i obviously do not want to talk to her for a reason. she refuses to acknowledge this reason. she’s “the good mom” and i’m the 30 year old “kid who’s having a tantrum”.
i’ve considered writing an email to her to tell her AGAIN how much the crap she says hurts me, how i will not continue talking to a brick wall who thinks its superior to me, how she repeatedly prioritizes her own feelings over my own etc etc but… i do not want to initiate any sort of conversation with her knowing that once again everything i’ve said might as well have not been said at all. i do not want to initiate a conversation just to repeat what has been repeated for a year and a half now.
according to Hangouts, she tried to call me today. she could have left a message, but she didn’t.
and it’s just as well she didn’t. i’m tired of dealing with what feels like emotional abuse from her…