Q&A: “I can’t explain why it’s so easy for me to say I’m trans and so hard to say I’m a lesbian…”
Hello. I’ve always been aware and proud, even as a kid, of my transgender identity. It was never hidden. But when it comes to sexuality it’s another story. Now that I’m older, I know that I have always been a lesbian but the less I can say is that I’m not very clear about it, I’m ambiguous when I speak about sexual orientation with people. Always fighting for lgbt rights but not saying clearly that I’m gay. I can’t explain why it’s so easy for me to say I’m trans and so hard to say I’m a lesbian
i’m afraid that i don’t have any solid answers for you… i’m sure that a lot is involved in why you find it so hard to be as open about your sexuality as you are about being trans.
to throw out but a few (among many) possible factors, there’s of course the possibility that internalized homophobia is part of the reason. another thing to consider is how eroticized and fetishized sexual / romantic relationships between women are and how that can complicate one’s relationship with one’s own sexuality. there’s also compulsory heterosexuality which constantly tells women and society as a whole that women should be sexually available to men (among other things); knowing even subconsciously that you’d have to deal with that as an out lesbian could be relevant. there’s the sad fact that trans lesbians are sometimes not treated kindly by some in the lesbian community as well as the severe lack of representation + awareness within the lesbian community and how that can complicate things for you. in addition to all that, there’s also the fact that as someone who is already faced with transphobia and trans misogyny, being open about being a lesbian would add yet another level of bullshit for you to deal with, alongside the uniquely toxic ways in which these various forms of bullshit intersect and interact with each other……………………
again, i want to stress that the above is nothing more than me speculating at possible factors as to why it may be hard for you to be open about your sexuality. some (even all) of it may not even be relevant to your situation. there’s also a lot that may be relevant to you but i haven’t even mentioned here.
either way, wishing you the best figuring things out, anon! sorry if this hasn’t been of any help to you.