Q&A: “Do you have any dating advice for a fellow ace person?”

aarusiel said:

Hey, Vesper. Do you have any dating advice for a fellow ace person? I feel like all I ever do is end up hurting the other person because I can’t meet their needs sexually. Is it better to just not date?

…i’m afraid that i’m probably one of the least suitable people to answer this question for a variety of reasons. that said, i don’t think that there’s any reason for you to not date.

when it comes to any kind of relationship, a big part of avoiding false expectations and assumptions that can lead to hurt feelings– and make no mistake, it’s that (imho) that’s the cause of the other person’s hurt feelings, not you being unable to compromise yourself for them– is communication. if you talk to each other and you make your boundaries clear (which can be done without actually coming out as ace, mind you), hopefully the other person will know not to expect things of you that you cannot (and should not even have to) do. if the other person still holds on to the hope or expectation that you will do something that you are unable to do and ends up hurt because of that, then that is on them not you. remember, that other person is responsible for their needs, not you.

dating as an ace can be challenging, but there’s no reason why you can’t do it without hurting anyone. don’t give up!