Hey, I rly just need an outward view. My husband has known I’m more ace than anything else(pretty sure I’m full ace, pan-rom but still figuring that out)&he just told me he hasnt been telling me when he’s had sexual feelings for me because it’s “not a thing you want and I don’t want to feel like an asshole for having sexual feelings.”I explained the difference between attraction&arousal&now he is really not ok with me not having sexual attraction towards him(cause he just realised it maybe?)
I have no idea what to do because he can get rly insecure and he has no idea about the pan thing. I’ve mentioned poly things too, not saying I want it but if he did I’d be okay to try it, but he said he’s done if I ever want anything like it. I guess I just feel weird about things now? I love him so very deeply and truly feel a connection, otherwise we wouldn’t be married for like a year and a half, but I’m just not sure what to do with all this information. Sorry if this is a lot.
…it’s always hard for me to hear about situations like yours let alone give any sort of commentary or advice pertaining to it because, well… parts of it sounds similar to my own experiences. so similar that it feels really hard to give unbiased commentary or advice and keep my personal experiences completely out of the picture…………. but i’m going to try.
there are a lot of things in what you just said that seems like red flags to me… but really, it all seems to point to the two of you needing to sit down and really work through things because nothing that your husband has told you is information that you should have to do anything with on your own. it’s not enough for you to tell him things about yourself, explain what it means and for him to just say that he’s “not okay with it” and the conversation end there. it’s not enough (or even fair) for him to say that he’s “done” if you wanted something and leave it at that. it’s certainly not good for him to withhold how he’s feeling because he doesn’t want to feel like an asshole– let alone the fact he shouldn’t even feel like an asshole for having sexual feelings in the first place.
rather than trying to figure out what to do with the information that you have, the two of you could (and should, imho) talk about how both of you feel would be best to go forward based on the reality of things being as they are. you (plural you) may be able to find a way to make things work out, but you also may not and if that is the case, then absolutely no one is to blame for that. as much as the two of you may love each other, that shouldn’t mean staying in a relationship even if it’s uncomfortable and / or harmful to one or both of you to do so.
i know that thinking about, let alone talking about, this kind of thing can be so incredibly hard…. especially because i’m sure that many things would potentially be affected by the outcome of such a discussion(s)… but i honestly cannot see anything good coming of you trying to do anything with the information that you have without actively involving your husband. both of you deserve to be happy and that’s something that both of you will have to work towards. i hope that both of you will eventually be in a better, happier place than you are now, regardless of whether that ultimately involves the two of you being together or not.
wishing you and your husband all the best, anon.