Q&A: “I think I’m a ciswoman, but I don’t know if I really felt related to other women…”

Hi! I think I always felt comfortable with my gender and body, but it’s been a few days I’m looking for things on genders and identites to learn things. I think I’m a ciswoman, but I don’t know if I really felt related to other women. I feel related to women characters in medias and through feminism/sexism. But when my friends say “Hey, we’re women/you’re a woman/as women”, I’m like “and?” In fact, I think I identify as a woman but I don’t really care about my gender…

I don’t know if I’m just a ciswoman trying to question myself for no reason or if I’m more in a grey area, like greygender and/or demigirl. Because I never questionned my gender. But when thinking about, the gender binary is just weird and I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel like “as a woman”. Maybe it’s like asexuality and aromanticism: I always thought I was heterosexual until I realized I never experienced the same thing as my friends.


despite what some people say, one does not have to experience dysphoria or hate one’s body in order to not be the gender one was assigned at birth. i also do not think that there is any one way that a person is “supposed to feel like as a woman.”

as you’ve pointed out, “straight by default” is sadly a thing that lots of people deal with. similarly, “cis by default” is also a thing. there are lots of trans and non-binary people who do not fit the more common trans narratives of feeling like they’re “trapped in the wrong body”, knowing that they aren’t the gender they were assigned at birth from a young age, etc. lots of us defaulted to our assigned gender at birth for years because we didn’t know that being anything else was even an option.

having said that, i don’t feel like anything you’ve said is particularly indicative of whether or not you are a woman. for some women, gender isn’t something that is important. the same can be said about some trans and non-binary people as well. there are also women who cannot relate at all to other women, just as there are trans and non-binary people who cannot relate at all to other trans or non-binary people.

try not to dismiss your thoughts or concerns as being nothing but “a ciswoman trying to question herself for no reason.” your feelings are valid, your questioning is valid. there is absolutely nothing wrong with questioning! navigating one’s own gender identity is something that takes a lot of time and effort for anyone. try not to be overly critical of yourself for simply trying to learn more about yourself. you may or may not ever come to a conclusion about your gender identity, but you’ll never know unless you give yourself the opportunity to do so.

good luck. 🙂

YouTuber and Blogger, Vesper is an American expat currently living in Japan.

Leave a comment?