[Random] Thoughts,  Gender[queer],  Japan[ese],  Queer[ness]

…the things i do to not be a ひきこもり (その①)

ahhh, okay so i just need to vent. feel free to ignore this.

someone in an Xジェンダー (Japanese non-binary) group that i’m in posted a link to a party being held in Tokyo on the 26th. there’s often some kinda of gay (literally always with fine print saying ‘men only’) or lesbian (literally always with fine print saying ‘women only’) event going on in Tokyo. more recently there are events aimed at trans men– but anyway, the point is i’m none of those things. and i haven’t really cared that much because i’m the definition of introversion. i have zero interest in night life and all of these events always happen at night. why is it that LGBTQ events more often than not involve late nights, loud music and copious amounts of alcohol??? moving on.

the event that was posted in the group caught my eye because it’s a “gender free” event. from the site:



with the theme of “gender free”, “X” is a ‘no-gender’ party where everyone’s (crossdressers, MTF, FTM, male, female, androgyne, genderless, transgender) gender is ambiguous.
at the forefront of social interaction at a time when people can get together and be free to be who they are without regards to sex/gender.
please do use “X” to make new friends and find your “true self” and “new self.”

…this is a great example of (successful? no comment) attempts at gender inclusion in Japan. don’t think too deeply about it. you’ll regret it.

anyway, i heard about this event last year but turned a blind eye to it because, yeah. huge party. not social. plus social anxiety. yeah, no. but for whatever reason, this time around i’m inclined to give it a go.

i tried really hard in 2015 to get my foot in the door with local Japanese LGBT groups and was successful to some extent, but with Japanese LGBT spaces as gender-specific as they often are, it’s been hard. making connections with Japanese non-binary people proved to be especially difficult, thanks in part to not actually living in Tokyo + my work schedule…

so coming across this event again, it feels like if i don’t jump off the deep end socially and go to this massive all-night party thing, i’ll miss what might end up being my best chance at breaking my ひきこもり streak and meeting Japanese non-binary people. so i’ve invited some 外人 (non-Japanese) trans/non-binary friends so that i won’t be going there alone, but also to deter me from backing out of it.

and i’m kinda kicking myself and winding myself up over it at the same time because, yeah. social anxiety. depression. makes you do that.

i’ve never even been to a club in my life and i’m from fucking Las Vegas ffs.

i’m sure i’m making much ado about nothing, because yeah. social anxiety. depression. makes you do that. but it seriously feels like i might be jumping off of a mental health cliff.

hopefully i’ll come out of this in one piece.
maybe i’ll even have good things to say about it once it’s all said and done.
if not, i’ll probably have battle scars and i’m sure i’ll vent about that too.

t minus 2 weeks until Anxiety Day.

YouTuber and Blogger, Vesper is an American expat currently living in Japan.

One Comment

Leave a comment?