For the longest time, I identified as demiro, for a pretty similar reason. I never understood romance for what it apparently is– I don’t now, either– but I have always had pretty intense squishes. Romance seemed like the “answer”– a grown-up, committed relationship, more than friendship. But, similar to what you’ve said, I was never the one to initiate it. My confusion really culminated when my romantic partner way back when told me that he loved me, and I…just couldn’t say it back. I got even more confused later as I kept seeing these squishes as romance, questioning my “sexuality” as I developed one on a same-gendered friend, who later shot me down horribly. Another relationship revealed that I thought of my partner as a sibling, not as anything romantic. I’m in a QPR now, after figuring things out “enough,” but there’s still a lot of confusion; I still don’t know what all those feelings were, really. I do ID as aromantic, but it just doesn’t feel right sometimes.
anon, thank you for being so kind as to share your experiences with me. i can definitely relate to a lot of it.
it’s just life, i guess….? feeling what one feels, going along with it (or not) and then learning from whatever results from one’s feelings and actions (or lack thereof). the desire to understand and to be able to put a word to everything can all too easily take the enjoyment out of everything…. then again, there are also times when understanding and words can make life even more enjoyable.
i’m probably not “right in the head” or something, but sometimes thinking of life as this massive rubik’s cube makes me smile because a part of me loves the challenge. 8)