on coming out to my psychiatrist

※ cw: dysphoria, genitalia mention

….so, in typical me fashion, i ended up coming out as non-binary to my psychiatrist the other day. i’d had no intention of coming out to him, but at the same time i had no intention of making any effort to not come out to him, so. *shrugs* i’d already come out to him as queer / bi / ace during my first appointment, so i already had some means of gauging what his reaction might be like.

also, this is the same guy who is overly focused on “results” and “remission” to the point of being laughable / uncomfortable at times, so i already had reservations about the guy from the start.

anyway, during the appointment before last, i’d asked him for general recommendations for English-speaking psychotherapists. the general recommendations that he gave totally missed the mark of what i was looking for, but i shrugged it off and left without saying anything because i figured i was wasting his time and mine by asking anyway, since i still cannot bring myself to actually do therapy…

this last time, however, i made a point of asking him specifically if he knew of any English-speaking therapists in the area who specialized in gender. at that, his eyes instantly left his computer screen, his fingers froze mid-type and he looked at me with what i can only describe as being an inquisitive look as he said, “do you have gender dysphoria??” the way he said it and the way that he was looking at me made it pretty clear that what he was really asking was if i had dysphoria about my junk.

i look him in the eyes, probably with a mild look of disdain on my face because i suck at not looking annoyed when i am, and i quickly calculate what’s worth saving to him and what’s not; what was i willing to talk about in that moment and what was i not. i respond with just the slightest hint of sarcasm, “i’m trans, yes.” mentally kicking myself for using a word that i actually do not generally use to describe myself, but i know that it’s the magic word that will get me taken more seriously; in a way, i didn’t have that much of a choice. or so i tell myself.

eyes still focused on me, he then sits back in his chair, interlocking his fingers as he rested his elbows on the armrests in what was clearly a thinking position. what followed was ~15 minutes of discussion low-key debate about dysphoria, my disdain for Japan’s bullshit with “GID” vs his “let’s talk about this from a medical standpoint” attitude, medical procedures in Thailand that require me to have a GID diagnosis and finally back to talk about therapists. we could have kept going at it for much longer, but he had clients lined up outside waiting for him. either way, i wont bore you with the details.

the gist of it is that i found out that we both knew the same American, queer psychotherapist who used to be based in Tokyo but who recently passed away…. while i didn’t tell him this, part of the reason i’d asked him at all ways not just for myself, but because the psychotherapist that passed used to lead a trans / non-binary Skype group that i’m apart of and without her leadership, we’re kinda at a loss as to what to do going forward… i was hoping that he’d know of someone else that we could look into. when i threw out the name of a gay psychotherapist who lives on the other side of Japan, whose profile i’d come across online and was planning to look into, he knew her too, but was uncertain how much help she’d be because sexuality & gender stuff weren’t her specialty…. anyway, long story short, he didn’t really have any leads and our conversation left me feeling *shrugs*. when i did finally come out to him more specifically as non-binary, his reaction was….. promising. if i’m being optimistic.

like i said, *shrugs*.

at least the man seems competent at rolling with shit, regardless of his actual opinion on it. then again, he probably couldn’t do his job otherwise, eh?

thankfully i have some leads of my own to look into once i get a chance to. it’s just that those leads are to people / places that probably don’t offer services in English…. but better than nothing since i’m beginning to get a little restless when it comes to medical things that i want to pursue sooner rather than later.