Q&A: “I’m asexual, and for months have been trying to figure out if I am biromantic or panromantic…”

anonymous said:

Hello! I’m asexual, and for months have been trying to figure out if I am biromantic or panromantic, yet I can’t seem to make sense of it. I also noticed you used all three terms, minus the ‘-romantic’ suffix. Would you be willing to talk about how those three connect for you, even just briefly? Thank you, and I hope you have a wonderful day/night.

hi. 🙂 how being bi, pan and ace connect for me, eh…? mmm…

well, the short and simplified way that i usually go about explaining my sexuality to people is that i am (have the potential to be) attracted to people of any gender, but that attraction is never sexual.

…and unless the person in question responds to that with further questions or i feel like going into more detail than that, i usually just leave it at that because i think that’s as accurate a description of my sexuality as i can give in so few words.

i identify as both bi and pan because, among other things, both describe who i’m (potentially) attracted to and i feel no need to choose one word / identity over the other. there are lots of people who simultaneously identify with more than one sexual / romantic / etc orientation for various reasons, so please don’t feel like you have to choose between identifying as either biro or panro because you really don’t have to choose or figure anything out if you don’t want to / can’t.

my decision to discard “-romantic” from my orientations was a personal one that may or may not be relevant to your question. if it’s not please feel free to ignore this, but the main reasons why i chose to discard “-romantic” is:

• i may or may not experience romantic attraction, but whether i do or not is unimportant to me.
• if i experience romantic attraction, it is just one of the various ways that i may be attracted to someone. i’m tired of labeling romantic orientation while leaving everything else (sexual orientation excluded) unsaid as if only attraction involving sex(ual attraction) and romanc(e/tic attraction) are worth communicating to people.

my asexual identity is pretty self-explanatory i think, especially since you identify as asexual yourself. i do feel like my lack of sexual attraction is important and worth communicating with a specific word (asexual), so that is a big part of my identity. however, i could no longer say the same about “-romantic.”

in identifying more simply as “bi” and “pan” in conjunction with “asexual”, i am able to communicate my lack of sexual attraction specifically, while specifically not commenting on the other types of attraction that i experience beyond who i experience those attractions towards. not limiting the genders that i experience attraction to or the types of attraction that i experience feels most comfortable and accurate for me, thus my identity as a bi / pan asexual.

p.s. you might find the posts in my #bi vs pan tag interesting.