Q&A: “do you think there’s something about sex positivity that oppresses aces of color?”

anonymous said:

So I’m ace, and I’ve started questioning where I stand on the whole “sex positive/negative” thing. I’ve generally been really sex positive because I believe people should do what they want as long as it’s consensual. So I replied to another ace who was telling college freshmen to “chill” about having sex so soon by telling them that it’s not really their business. And eventually it escalated to them calling me a racist for being sex positive and they didn’t really explain why?

They said something about me silencing and erasing people and pressing my white views onto others, but they didn’t give any explanation for all that. I want to learn more, but I feel like if I ask them, they won’t explain anything and they’ll just keep insulting me. So, feel free to not to answer this if it seems like I’m barging in here and demanding explanations from you, but do you think there’s something about sex positivity that oppresses aces of color?

personally, i do not think that sex positivity itself (ie. the belief that sex in general is a positive thing so long as it’s safe + mutually & explicitly consensual) is inherently oppressive of aces of color.

that said, sex positivity itself not being oppressive or otherwise harmful to aces of color doesn’t mean that a person can’t inadvertently say something that is harmful to aces of colors while advocating for sex positivity. it’s like how feminism isn’t inherently harmful to a particular group of people, but that doesn’t mean that a feminist can’t say something that is harmful to a particular group of people while advocating feminism.

anon, i have no doubt that there was/is a lot influencing how that other ace felt about what you said; what you said/how you said it is more than likely part of what influenced their response, but there probably is more to it than just that. that said, i haven’t even seen the exchange in question and i am not the person in question, so i will make no attempt at guessing at what else is involved.

you could approach that person in the humblest of ways, apologizing for saying something offensive and ask them what it was that you said that was racist, explicitly saying that you’re asking so that you can learn from this experience, but it’s possible (again, i have no idea) that that person is already to the point that they will not respond kindly if at all. it may be best to just humbly apologize for what was said and bow out of the conversation if you haven’t already, but again i really do not know the situation between you two. you’ll have to use your best judgement to decide what to do.

in the future keep in mind that even if you say something with only the best possible intention, the way that you say it as well as other factors can and will affect how the recipient(s) feel(s) about what you have said. it’s not necessarily the fact that you’re sex positive that is the problem, even if that’s what that person called you out for…